Jimmy Garropolo

What would it be like to date an NFL QB if their female equivalent was just like them? Terrifying? Weird? Or just a big ole turn on?

Now before you get your egos offended or start to claim sexism or cognitive dissonance that turns you into an almighty troll. it’s just for fun ok? If you like to get easily offended, go watch some ‘Karen’ videos. This is purely the art of lampoon…and fantasy. Let’s just call it ‘Fan-poon’. Maybe I’ll have a rethink here.

Since someone took the liberty of Facetuning these NFL stars, let’s take a look at what dating them might be like. Who would be your ideal QB girlfriend?

Patricia Mahomes

She just got PAAAIIIDDDDD! Patricia is know NFL elite, somewhere what it would be like if a Kardashian was in the NFL. She’s cute, talented, and everyone loves her. This of course makes you insanely jealous, and you will most likely sabotage this relationship while she is completely innocent. She is a true ‘out of your league’ kind of girlfriend, and you can never really see what she sees in you.
Your friends can’t believe she’s with you, and her exes are always calling in the middle of the night and hanging up.
She’s also richer than you, and acts way cooler.
You will always tell your friends about her, and in the end no one will ever believe she dated you as she goes on to bigger and better things.

Jeri Goff

If anyone in the league looks like a true ‘Karen’, it’s Jeri Goff. She’s a true Cali girl, and loves the sunshine, the ocean, and of course the attention. She’ll always tell you how close she was to ‘making it’, but you feel sad for her the more she talks about it. Her parents split when she was young, so her daddy issues follow her around like a duck that’s been imprinted by humans.
She’s always talking up her ‘squad’, but you can see in their eyes that most of them would toss her off a cliff in a second.
When she’s not creeping through your phone, she’s saying things in public & under her breath that makes you question her sanity.
She may or probably did bang a few of your friends.

Daxi Prescott

I ain’t she’s a gold digger, but all of her friends are. So there’s that. Daxi likes to be the center of attention, with ‘all eyes on her.’ While she might not necessarily deserve the attention, she has a lot of fans and don’t you ever get in the way of her hype train. Does she have the goods to be a partner for life? Doubtful. She refuses a prenup, wants a bigger ring than all of her friends, and you’re pretty sure that she buys Instagram followers. She’s big, she’s strong, she has a heck of a temper.
Still you hold on to her so that no one else has her, even if you think there might be something better down the pipeline in a few years.

Jamie Garropolo

Jamie is an absolute smoke-show that draws attention wherever she goes. She turns heads, drop jaws, and trip over her own feet sometimes You’re not sure if she’s ‘the one’ or you are totally blinded and she is a total idiot. She’s calm, cool, collected and has a bit of baggage from her ex.
Did she really leave him, or did he dump her because he was still in love with his ex?
Whatever the answer, you really wish she would stop talking about it.
Last year was supposed to be ‘her year’, but with all of the crap going on in the world right now, you just want to enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Big Bertha

You know she has a troubled past, but boy can she ball! She has a history of loads of drama, and the posse she hangs out with use to be nothing but problems. She works hard, plays hard, and looks awful in a beard…but then again why would she look good? She’s put on a bit of weight lately, but that just makes her work harder. She might also shoplift from Walmart, but you just tend to turn the other way. She’s ‘been rode hard and put away wet’ more times than she can count, but that’s where she gets that winning smile. You can be hard on her, but deep down you think she might have one more magical moment. She’ll also never leave you.

Who would be your ideal QB gf? I think I would have to settle for a milfy Jim McMahon from the 85 Bears. Not only to satisfy my nostalgia for all things of that team, but also because you know she always has great sunglasses. And probably a meth problem…which is why she has no teeth and is so skinny.

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