Chicago Bears

Lockdown has led to lunacy! Have you noticed?
One of the triggering elements that I have noticed is that the more bored people get, the more they play around with apps and memes to occupy the darkness that envelopes our everyday life.
Case in point-NFL QBs as ladies.

FaceApp is one of those hokey apps that allows you to cross the gender barrier to see what you would look like as a member of the opposite sex. This self-serving digital switch not only allows you to revel in your curious side, but also gives your mates the opportunity to rank how they would ‘do you.’
Nothing creepy about this at all.

It was only a matter of time then that someone would take a look at some of the biggest names in the NFL and think, ‘yep, it’s your time.’
As if racism wasn’t a hot enough issue, let’s toss a little misogyny in for good measure.
Of course I kid, but it seems like everyone has their knickers in such a knot these days it’s hard to be able to joke about anything.

As a comedian however, I reserve the right to be able to throw around some playful banter.
Therefore I have decided to look at some of the best QB face-swaps and measurements their potential as a girlfriend.
No lady bashing here, just equating their dateability with some of their on and off the field misadventures.
A lampoon of all their foibles and fuck-ups.
If this offends you…seriously…just go away.

Here we go.

Thomasina Brady

First off she’s a cheater. You’ve heard it from everyone, and even worse there’s a rumour she might deflate your balls. Don’t get me wrong she’s a stone cold stunner, and can turn any bad situation into a good one at the last minute.
Don’t worry about her wanting to share her food with you, as she’s on some weird diet where she only eats odd plants and nuts. The burger and fries are all yours.
While Thomasina is a trophy wife who you can see staying with forever, chances are she’s going to fuck off to Florida with her big friend Roberta Gronk to see out there retirement.
Doubtful she will let you keep any of her fancy rings when you split either.

Drew Brees

No need to change the first name, as Drew swings both ways in this scenario. If you want to date this one, you better have deep pockets, as Drew loves the bling. This ‘Diamond Lady’ is known to blow half her wad on the sparkly trinkets, but don’t worry-she couldn’t spot a fake if jumped on her finger.
Drew does have a big weakness when it comes to social media postings, as she often will post something without thinking. Most people know her intentions are good, but you might want to wear a helmet on this ride, as she is known to backpedal.

Erin Rodgers

Whatever you do, don’t bring up her family. The Rodgers clan love to make money off Erin’s success and her sister even made an appearance on a reality show to capitalise off of her fame.
If you’re looking for a drama-free relationship, don’t stop here.
Erin is known for her fiery personality & competitiveness. She is more likely to beat you at beer-chugging, wing eating and arm-wrestling then lose it on you for being a ‘loser.’
She’s the kind of girl to get you through the end of the night, but will probably end up dumping you behind you back and moving on quickly.

Lamara Jackson

Imagine a girl who can do everything better than you, but is too humble to make you feel about it.
She’s the kind of girl your friends would ask ‘what is she doing with him’ while secretly making fantasies about her and what life would be like if she was theirs.
Young, hot, and full of energy, Lamara is most likely to get tired of you, but when she dumps you, you will feel like it is totally your fault.
She has a bit of a chip on her shoulder from last year, which is only going to make her hotter in the future.
When you think of Lamara, you will always ask ‘what if’?

Michelle Trubisky

Michelle is what happens when you meet someone online, but they turn out to be nothing like what you were promised.
The relationship starts out fast and exciting, until you realise that she has serious spatial awareness.
She is the Mr. Magoo of girlfriends.
The kind that leaves the car in drive when she gets out, constantly loses her phone, her keys, and trips over her own feet. When you get frustrated she cries, then you feel even worse.
As soon as you started dating her you realise that it was a mistake, so you keep doing things so that she’ll dump you.

Jody Burrow

‘She’s way too young!’ That’s what all your friends say as soon as they meet her.
You try to explain that she’s out of college and was so hot and smart there, and you can’t wait to move her back to your shitty hometown so that everyone can be blown away by her talents.
Deep down however, you’re not sure yourself and every time you go out in public you wonder what people are saying about you.
Will she stay with you forever, turn out to be a bust, or end up leaving you once she gets bored of this town.
She’s too young…wait a few years.

Of course, what do I know…I’m single and have a horrible track record with dating women. I have enough crazies in my back pocket to form a new ‘Suicide Squad’.

I’ll be back with another edition of Lady QBs. Who would be your ideal QB to date.
No judgement, no gender bias, just a fun look at the world we live in.
Stay safe, stay sane, bring back the NFL.