The SuperBowl is only a few days away, which means it’s time to start thinking of some of the prop, or novelty bets on offer for this year. Sure, you can go the traditional route of betting on Gatorade colour, length of the anthem or whether Tony Romo is going to mention Robert Kraft’s favourite massage oil.
With so many oddities to bet on in this Super Bowl, why not contact your bookie and go hard? Why bet on the basic bitch package, when you can amp it up for Super Bowl 55.
These are some of our Super Prop Bets.
Trump Blows up Florida +165
Trump lost the election, the presidency and some would say the plot as he returned to his Florida retirement home to have Melania soak his boo-boos. Those who know Trump reckon he is seeking some sweet justice, and a public event like the Super Bowl is all he needs. Previous villains have tried to blow up the Super Bowl, but of anyone-Trump probably can pull it off.
If Trump blows it up before halftime, at least we will miss the Weeknd.
Tiffany Rivers Gives Birth +225
Phillip Rivers retired this year to focus on family, so it figures that his wife Tiffany is due to give birth again soon. Look for Tiffany to shoot baby number 23 across the field at halftime, with the umbilical cord firing over midfield as Phillip tosses a pass that snaps the cord, bringing baby and mama softly down on the field. Knowing PR though, he’ll throw the ball short and probably knock out the midwife.
Number of Covid Mentions +/- 300
Look for 300 to be the magic number threshold for mentions of Covid during the SuperBowl. 300 mentions in a 4 hour broadcast is actually reasonable, considering Covid was the star of the 2020 NFL season. Look for other parlays to add to Covid by adding words like ‘virus’, ‘lockdown’, or ‘Wuhan Flu.’
You could be in for even bigger bucks if a new variant emerges during the game itself.
Lamar Jackson takes a Halftime Dump +220
Look for doody-dropper Lamar Jackson to break up halftime by dropping the kids off at the pool, then mentioning it in social media. It could be something obscure, like calling someone a ‘wet-wipe’, or following ‘Charmin’. Everyone plays better when Lamar takes a dump, so look for shout-outs from his colleagues and friends encouraging Lamar to ‘go deep.’
Corona Admits it Caused the Virus +340
After one of the nastiest trading years on record, Corona bravely fought off the initial link with their beer and a watery death. As the world transitioned from ‘Corona’ to ‘Covid’, the brewer deftly hired Snoop Dogg to help them ‘coolify’ their brand. Look for Corona to go all out on this one, not only boldly claiming that they started the virus, but they now have the only vaccine. This could be a bold brand move.
How many crappy new CBS sitcoms will be promoted? +225
+/- 4 . It’s been a tough year for TV, and CBS so look for them to throw down the gauntlet of fun (or faunt-let) as they go ‘all in’ on wacky sitcoms, promoting 4 new losers on Sunday. Fortunately all of the sitcoms will star Mayim Bialik and have something to do with cats, loneliness and an underlying current of sadness through the canned laughter. ‘What happens when a talking cat saves a suicidal middle-aged woman? It’s ‘Cat Got Your Back’, Tuesdays on CBS!’ The best bet is to wager on how long some of these shows last.
If we’re lucky, one of the sitcoms will be cancelled before the game is done.
Dwayne Haskins watches from a strip club +175
Dwayne Haskins loves his mama, and morally bereft strippers equally. While teammates in Washington bemoaned his lack of professionalism and misogyny, he always made sure to visit the ladies after every game he left early. Look for Haskins on social media to post something cryptic about ‘making it rain’, ‘love in the club’, or even using a weave as a mask. Don’t let us down Dwayne.
The Rock will be seen -250
Dwayne the Rock Johnson is the biggest movie star in the world, so it goes to reckon that he will be seen somehow during the Superbowl. The most obvious would be to show a trailer for one of his movies, but look for the Rock to do bigger. Maybe an XFL ad, pulling Kevin Hart out of his pockets, or something to do with his eyebrows. Most likely? The Rock will actually be shooting a movie anyhow that somehow crosses over to the Super Bowl. Classic Johnson.
A Karen will be Shown -200
2020 was a hell of a year to be named ‘Karen’. You could have spent 50 years dedicating yourself to helping others, but if you’re named ‘Karen’, it doesn’t matter. 2020 owns you now.
Since the identification of the Karen, we have been all made painfully aware of how to spot the obnoxiousness. There might be only 20000 fans attending the game, but chances are there are a few Karen’s down there in FLA. Get your money ready.
Something Florida will Happen -300
The further you go into Florida, the more of a spiral of humanity you encounter. Laws of natural selection and decorum quickly go out the door. Florida Man Marries a Manatee. Florida woman Swallows 4lbs of Meth and Lives. Perhaps it is the proximity to the famed Bermuda Triangle that brings out the chaos, or maybe it’s inbreeding. Whatever it is, bet on Florida first.
What do you have as some of your prop bets? What kind of madness do you see playing out.
If you didn’t already know, we made these up. But if you can find a bookmaker willing to take this action, please do it!
